Vent.

Breastfeeding is HARD.

I have found it much more challenging than I thought that it would be. You think, hey baby, open your mouth and suck, and everything is okay, right? Wrong. It's all about angles and comfort. I have to be sitting a certain way, put her in the crook of my arm just right otherwise all hell breaks loose. Sometimes she goes for it right away, and other times it's a challenge. It's going a little better, and sometimes we go all day and don't have a problem, and other days it's different. I keep telling myself it will get better, she is only a week old. It's hard to keep your composure at 4 in the morning when you are half asleep and holding a screaming baby.

She seems to be growing so fast already. Every day she gets more alert and does new things. We have her very first doctor's appointment tomorrow, I'm excited to see how she has grown. She still fits in preemie clothes, and she wasn't even a preemie! I will post her stats tomorrow after her appointment!

Bean is officially one week old today!

Boobies.

Life at home with this baby is AWESOME.

I have been having a hard time breastfeeding...until today! I think that Bean got what's called nipple confusion, where the baby confuses the nipple with artificial nipples, therefore doesn't want to take the breast. I bought these things called nipple shields, basically silicon covers for the baby to nurse on if your nipples are inverted, flat, or in Bean's case, got used to something different. I bought them last night, and she wasn't really responding to them until this morning, which was such a relief! It's such a frustrating thing to get down. It's two people trying to cooperate and sometimes it doesn't always work. I think I cried like 100 times yesterday. I just felt like I was doing something wrong, but was trying so hard to be patient. It worked, so far anyways.

Everything else has been great though. She sleeps really well, eats really well and is SO cute it's out of control. I love her so much!

Bean's Story!

First off, I just want to say thank you to everyone that was a part of my pregnancy with Bean. I feel like you all are going to be such an integrate and important part of her life, and I really really appreciate all of you! Thank you for EVERYTHING, and I promise, this isn't post labor hormones talking.

I started having contractions Friday night around 6-ish. I called my mom to tell her, they weren't that strong yet and irregular so I thought nothing of it. In an hour or so they got stronger and more regular. We started to time them, and they were about 4 minutes apart. We called our doctor, and when he FINALLY called back an hour and a half later, he told us to go to OB triage. We packed up, crazy nervous and excited and left. We got to the hospital, got all checked, 1 cm and fully effaced. They were incredibly busy that night due to the weather, (barometric pressure had made like 9 women's waters break) and I really thought they were going to send us home. She said that they were going to admit me because everything was pretty regular. We got wheeled down to labor and delivery, and our room was AWESOME. It was huge! Anyways, I was in for it. I was laboring regularly, using the ball and doing lots of hands and knees positions. My back labor was super intense and I was doing anything that I could to get through it. I handled it a lot better than I thought. I completely surrendered and understood that this was just something that I had to do.

My doctor had said since I had had a previous c-section, that if things weren't happening fast enough that he couldn't give me Pitocin, so either they would break my water early in the morning when he got back, or it would break on it's own. I made the decision to get an epidural before he came in to break it, I was progressing well at my own speed and wasn't really okay with it going from 0-60 on their terms. I had been in labor for 12 hours when they broke my water, was exhausted and could finally get some sleep with drugs. Before they put my epidural in, I was freaking out. It wasn't something that I had planned on doing, neither was having my water broken for me, but I just buckled down and did it. My anesthesiologist was the nicest guy, and was fast. I didn't have time to be scared. Before my contraction was over, he was done. It was crazy! I took a 2 hour nap afterward, gearing up for what I knew would be a long afternoon.

I woke up, feeling great. My family and I just hung out, waiting for the time to push. We were laughing and talking, it was such a great time. We were joking around with the nurses and staff, and having the best time. I got closer and closer, and around 3 o'clock, the nurse came in and checked my cervix to see if we had passed 8 yet. I was at a roomy 9 cm. I was super excited, and ready to see my Bean! Dr. Busch came in, followed by our nurse, and he told me that he was going to check me too. I got confused, and he proceeded to say, "Yeah, that is definitely not a head." I said, "What?!" and immediately started to sob. Josh looked at me and started to cry. He just hugged me and we cried and cried. We were so excited to have a vaginal birth, and I didn't understand how he could have let us go this far. (My body wasn't supposed to labor regularly with a breech baby. When I had gone to see my doctor in the days prior, he said that she had turned. She NEVER TURNED. We labored for 22 hours for an error that could have been solved in the beginning hours of labor.) Since none of my family was in the room because they were checking me, they had to hear the news out in the hallway. I asked Josh to go get my mom and have her help us pack up everything. We were literally being whisked away to the operating room immediately. They brought Josh some scrubs, and next thing you know we were being wheeled into the O.R.

We were brought in, and it seemed like chaos. There were so many people, bright lights and lots of things being said. The doctors were explaining to us what was going to happen, I was being numbed and cleaned, and it was go time. I couldn't stop crying because I was so upset, and was panicking. Josh was doing such a good job of holding it together for me, and I knew that he was so disappointed too. He sat by my side for what seemed like an eternity. I could see above me the blurry reflection of what the doctors were doing, cutting and pulling. Tons of pressure, and I hear the suction ball cleaning out her nose and mouth. I say to Josh, "Stand up, stand up!" I heard one of the nurses say, "Oh wow, she's beautiful!" and I knew she was out. They lifted her up, and brought her over to the table to clean her off. Josh and I looked at each other and just kept saying, "That's our baby!!" We were crying harder than Bean was, and it was the most amazing moment ever. He left with her to the recovery room and waited for me to get stapled and stitched up.

After what felt like an eternity, I got to hold her. She was perfect. 6 lbs, 12 oz. and 19 inches long. I couldn't believe that she was finally here, after all that time! She looked up at me, and my heart was hers. A few friends came and saw her that night, and lots more over the next two days. We are home now, after spending 4 nights in the hospital and it couldn't feel better. I'm still super sore from the surgery, but she is doing great! I am going to try my best to take it easy and just enjoy some quiet time with her. Josh goes back to work tomorrow and I know it'll be hard for him since he's been by my side the entire time.

What a crazy experience, but everything ended up so beautiful.

Yuck.

I took the plunge and took castor oil this morning. All it's done so far is make my stomach hurt, but that was to be expected. No super strong contractions yet, but we'll see. Josh is asking every woman he talks to at work about their experience with it. It's all worked for them, but it isn't for me yet.

I don't know why, but my doctor is still pushing for the c-section on Tuesday. I think when we go in on Monday, (if she makes it that long) that I am going to tell him that I don't want the surgery. If nothing is medically wrong with her or me, I don't understand why we would need it. Hopefully he doesn't freak out and not treat me anymore. I don't think that that would happen, but I am worried what he will say. This is just the way that he's done things and tends to be more old school, but I have to be honest with him. If I don't have to have a major surgery, I'm not going to.

So here I sit. Waiting and waiting...

Yesterday was an awesome day! We had our second to last doctor's appointment, and everything looks great. My weight gain was normal as usual, and when we went to "check things," Bean is head down, we are 1 cm dilated and 10% effaced! It's starting! Hopefully before next Tuesday things kick into high gear, otherwise we still have to have the C-Section. It's nice because it's planned, but I'd rather not. However she comes is fine, as long as she is healthy!

I think I know when she turned. The other night when I got up to use the bathroom, I stood up and couldn't even walk my pelvis hurt so bad. I had to crawl to the bathroom. It was the worst pain I have felt thus far, but I knew that something was changing. I walked around for hours the next couple days, and she made so much progress. So now Josh and I are having mandatory sex (sorry for sharing) to help things along, and I plan on being on my feet as much as possible. My Nana mentioned castor oil, but I'm still not sure I want to go that far. We have a little less than 6 days, so keep on truckin' Bean. Great job so far!

9 days 22 hours and someodd minutes.

We have two upcoming doctor's appointments this week. I am looking forward to hearing from him that she is head down and progressing somewhat. I've been telling myself that is what's going to happen and if all of these crazy exercises I have been doing help, that's what will be said! Although, with the C-Section, it's a plus to have it scheduled. My Dad will be here that morning (with bells and whistles on he says) and I should be home in time for the weekend. Completely random it's on a Tuesday morning, but hey, I don't really care when it is! She could always come before Tuesday, especially since I am working all of next week. Only half days though, just to be safe. I wanted to try and get some rest and some more things ready before she gets here.

I will keep everyone updated of course. I can't wait to see what he says on Tuesday!

15 days.

Today was a good day! I had a great day at work, not sure why, it was just one of those good days. It went by really fast and wasn't super stressful. I was surprised because I barely got any sleep last night. I just kind of let go of everything last night. I was holding on to a lot, stuff about Bean, nerves, all kinds of feelings just came out at a pretty inopportune moment last night. Josh had no idea what was going on (sorry honey) but comforted me until I could fall asleep. By the time we got to bed it was almost 1 in the morning.

Nothing has really changed with Bean. We had our almost 38 week check up today, and found out that she is in a position called oblique. It where her head is sitting at the corner of my pelvis, but she is TRYING to turn. She is making the effort and is almost there! I haven't dilated yet because she isn't head down, therefore there isn't any pressure to open me up. Makes sense. Hopefully in the next 2 weeks she'll settle! I asked a lot of questions about our possible C-Section and was so relieved when I got better answers than I was looking for. I was just so scared that I wouldn't get to see her for a long time, and that Josh wouldn't be able to be with me for certain parts of it. But I was wrong! So at the moment, I have no idea what to plan, surgery or not, but either way, in 15 days she'll be here.

Okay, so I don't think that my bet for when Bean will be here wins. I picked today, and although that would be lovely, it just isn't happening. I think she's just really comfortable in there. I on the other hand, am not. That's to be expected.

My boss keeps telling me that I am not allowed to have her during the week, the weekend works better for her. Either ways, it's 2 weeks from Tuesday and that's CRAZY! I'm so excited to see her face, and feel all those little body parts that have been moving around inside of me for over 9 months. I couldn't be more prepared for her, I feel like everything has been ready for months! I hate waiting for things, but I just have to keep reminding myself that the longer she is in there, the better prepared she'll be.

Bummed.

I know I shouldn't be feeling discouraged, but I'm feelin' it. We just left the doctor's office, I have Group B Strep, something easily treated but he just happened to throw in that it can kill your baby, and you will always have it. It doesn't affect me, but it can really hurt her if untreated. I got a prescription for some antibiotics, so everything should be fine.

I couldn't help but feel like SO many things have gone wrong throughout this pregnancy. Am I doing a bad job? All the ER visits, bladder infections, gallbladder problems, now this, AND SHE'S BREECH...what is wrong with me? I shed some tears in the car, and told Josh that I just felt like it was my fault. I had such a hard time with Cameron, and with her it seems like something happens every few weeks. I'm really struggling with the idea of having a C-Section, and just trying to know that everything will be fine. My body is so tired, I'm so uncomfortable, and I feel like for what? They are just going to cut her out of me anyways. I feel like that's the easy way out, when I want to do things the natural way, even if it is "harder."

I'm ready for her. The room is done, the bag is packed, and I think if my boobs get any bigger they are going to explode. I guess I'm just having one of those days where I feel defeated.

Here she is at almost 37 weeks! These are from Wednesday where we found out indeed she was still breech, (butthead) but all in all everything looks great. She weighs about 5 and a 1/2 lbs. and looks lovely they say! She has one leg up and one leg down, so she might turn, but I'm not putting all my eggs in one basket. Cross your fingers!