Deep Breath.

It's pretty much common knowledge in this house that if you are folding laundry in the living room, Bean is going to pull it all onto the floor. I think the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results each time. I guess that I must be insane.

This past weekend was great. I may possibly be returning to my old night job serving a couple times a week. Josh, Bean and I went to visit my very old friend Matt who got me the job there a long time ago. We sat in the bar area, eating chips when an unfamiliar face approached our table. He asked me if I was Brandi, I replied yes and he proceeded to tell me that I was "famous here and people talk about me all the time." I am not tooting my own horn here, but toot toot! Now don't get me wrong, being "famous" while serving at a Mexican place isn't the cream of the crop, but it was nice to know that people enjoyed my presence when I worked there. It certainly made me feel better about asking for my job back. I had been back and forth with the idea of serving again for a couple of weeks. It was easy money for me, and I LOVED the job. The people were great, I was not being micromanaged all the time and I really enjoyed my co-workers. We'll see what happens. I know that it will be a different transition for my family, but it's only a couple of nights a week. Violet loves Papa time!

I think that this biggest change in my house is knowing that while we do not need the money that I work for desperately, the job that I am working to make that money really counts. Before, I could work 14 hours a day between two jobs and not be phased much. If I am going to be spending time away from Bean my job needs to be worth my time. I have been coming to the realization that the job that I currently have is not. It is a pretty crappy feeling.

Other than that, my weekend was pretty good. Teething is still kicking the Johnson's butts. We took a nice walk yesterday to get Bean to calm down. She loves being outside; I just wish that it wasn't 100 degrees outside. I can't wait for the fall. I can't wait to share in the weather with her. 

The season of change is starting!

Steamed.

I think that I have a crazy amount of patience, but part of me feels like maybe I am not using it properly.

I teach preschool. I have done this for a long time, I love the kids, but recently with the economic changes this job isn't quite working out for me. Keep in mind, I am a full-time student and mom, therefore I only can really work 25 hours a week. That is what I was promised at work anyways. The deal was when Bean turned a year old I would come back to work not 10 hours a week like before, but 25 hours a week. Needless to say, I only worked 15 1/2. 

FRUSTRATING.

We had to strike a deal that for days that I worked less than 3 hours, I would not be charged for Violet being there. That was a relief. We just don't have enough kids, but for some reason they keep hiring people! That's right, HIRING PEOPLE. Tell me how that makes sense?! Now don't get me wrong, I love the people that I work with. We work very hard to make sure that our job is done right. Keeping 26 three-year-olds happy is not an easy job by any means. It is a lot of screaming, punching, "no thank you's" and tears. I expect that. It's just a part of being a teacher in that room. I get it.

Recently, we had to ask a student to leave because he was just too violent for our school. I think that I emotionally gave up on this job when he bashed me in the face with a remote control car that another student had brought from home. He was not officially asked to leave until two weeks later. I realized that my job was not only defending the actions of the student, but forcing myself and the students in the classroom to continue allowing this student to be present in the classroom. There was nothing that we could do to make sure that everyone was safe at all times. I can't hold him all day, and for some reason, his mom just didn't understand why we couldn't do that. I don't have 100 hands, I can't do everything.

I am now stuck with a hard decision, do I stick it out and let them cut my hours again and again, or do I go and find something more worth my time? I love working with the kids, but I am not sure that this is worth putting Violet in school for. If I am going to work, I am going to work. I have a few ideas for things that might work out, but no hot leads yet.

What to do?

The Celebration.

The day had finally come. I spent the night before reminiscing about where I had been 364 days before; in a hospital room, laboring quietly in the dark with my husband and my parents. I remember closing my eyes for hours and hours and with every contraction I knew that she was closer to being in my arms. When she finally was born the next afternoon, my life changed forever. I was a mother. That word resonates in my mind every time I say it. I am proud to say that she is mine. She is my daughter.

Sunday morning Violet woke up in a great mood. I sang her "Happy Birthday" about 15 times, and each time she clapped her hands with excitement. I wanted to say that she knew what we were celebrating, but I don't think that she did. Our day was busy, running last minute errands, cleaning the house and preparing the food for later that afternoon. Violet was in an awful mood in the early afternoon and I prayed that she would perk up once everyone arrived. (She did once people started arriving.) Family came, friends came and we were surrounded by love. My entire house quickly became filled and all I could think about was how blessed our family is. We took pictures in a DIY photo booth that we put together, stamped thumbprints on her birthday tree and basked in our 1 year old little girl. 

The party could not have gone better. What a great celebration for such a magnificent little girl.

 (Table setup)

(Grandma, Violet and I.)

 (Party guests watching Violet's b-day video)

(Thumbprint tree)

(Mom & Dad singing happy birthday)

(Bean having a nervous breakdown.)

(She calmed down eventually.)

(Bad picture, but I made that chocolate silhouette!)

(New Johnson family photo.)

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(Opening her gifts.)

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(Saying thank you for a great birthday.) 

TDP.

This morning was a morning I wish would not have come. 

I teach part-time at a preschool in Tempe. I have been there for little over a year and never even thought about this moment occuring. I think as a parent I have thought about it every single day since my children were born. A little boy that attended my school passed away in his sleep yesterday morning. His father called this morning and politely requested that his things be gathered up. We all were made aware, and when I heard, I immediately felt like my lungs closed up. They say being a parent is like living with your heart outside of your chest. All I could do when I clocked out was walk across the hallway to where Bean was and hold her. I could never lose her, I think in turn that I would lose myself.

It is sad to say that a phone call like that puts everything into perspective. What was one more night of putting a baby to sleep was the last night that he went to sleep. I need to cherish every moment more than I do now. I can't fathom what this will look like for their day to day, their marriage or possible future children. I am beyond sorry for their loss and I am not sure that I can walk into my place of work without thinking of his family. 

I do not know how close to home this feeling will come to me. I accept death as a part of life. I need to remember to respect everyday for what it is.

7 Days.

I have been heavily preparing for Bean's birthday next Sunday. I think that heavily is an understatement. I have the balloons, the gifts, the wrapping paper, the cake plans, everything. I think that I have been playing this party since the day that she was born. Her birthday montage video is finished, and I have to say, it's pretty awesome. I will put in up on Waiting for Bean once her birthday has passed.

Lately I have been thinking so much about where I was this time last year. I was incredibly pregnant, anxiously waiting for that realization that my body was in labor. It is pretty amazing that I prayed for the pain. I wanted to see her face so badly. I remember the day that she was born so vividly. I was sitting in the labor/delivery room with my Dad when I said, "Dad, I am going to push this baby out of my body." I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that she was going to be born. It was one of the most amazing feelings that I have ever felt. Although she wasn't "pushed" out, her birth was incredible. I loved every minute of it and am so thankful for the experience. With Cameron, I had toxemia. When I went into labor it was just one long contraction. We got to the hospital and within 5 minutes I was put to sleep and he was delivered via C-Section. It was scary, stressful and a all-in-all a very difficult recovery. Labor with Violet gave me some of what I wanted so desperately; a worry free labor and delivery. Although it did not end up the way that I wanted, I got a healthy baby girl.

It's really amazing to see her grow from day 1 to now. She has gone from a wrinkly newborn to a joyous, spirit filled toddler. I am amazed by her everyday and I can't wait to see what next year will look like for us. She never weighs me down, but only lifts me up. She has brought me redemption and healed my heart.

Teething.

"I think that teething is worse than labor." "Well, at least labor doesn't last as long." This is the conversation that I had with my mother today. 

 I am not sure that teething could be going any worse right now. I can hardly stand watching Bean in pain. Last night amidst the insane amounts of screaming, I touched Violet's ears to see if that could be the reason for the pain. She kept moving my hand away from her left ear. Needless to say, I was less than excited. She never wakes up crying, and really never cries so all this noise really perplexed us. I took the morning off of work to take her to the doctor and she had the very beginnings of an ear infection. No infection, but there was a small bit of fluid and swelling in her ear. I went and got her some peppermint oil for her cold mist vaporizer, some daily Vitamin C and more teething tablets. Let's pray that tonight goes better!

I know better than to give her bottles while she is laying down, and I always clean out her ears after a bath but I guess that this is just one of those things that I couldn't have helped. One tooth has come through and I hate that there are 19 more to go.

Ex Libris.

My little Violet loves books. She sits in her room, taking one by one off of the shelf, marveling at the pages. Her little hands are so excited to turn every page. I love watching her "read," it reminds me of my own passion for books. Since we have a small library started for her, I thought that it might be a good idea to personalize her books. Here is what I found!

(Thanks Google Images!)

While I found these charming, I thought that I would try and make my own. I have had pretty good luck with DIY projects, so I thought that this would be a no brainer. I have been using Picnik lately for paper projects, and I absolutely LOVE it. So I went and created a few of my own bookplates. It took a few trys, but I got the point eventually. These are just a couple, but how cute, right?!

I think they will add a little something pretty to her books. A friendly little reminder that the stories that let her imagination travel to far away places are hers. That's always nice, isn't it?

Buddies.

Love is in the air, and so are babies! I had the wonderful privilege of spending time with two of my dearest friends and their babies this morning. I think that every time the three of us get together, all we talk about is cloth diapering, Jesus, birth, breastfeeding and the sheer joy that motherhood brings us. Although we are all at different stages with our children, they never cease to amaze and perplex us.

Aren't these two of the most beautiful kids that you have ever seen?! I am so incredibly grateful for their mother's presence in my life. Both Audra and Shanda gave birth to their babies at home and have offered me so much encouragement for if/when that time comes in my life. They are INCREDIBLE friends, mothers and wives. I am overwhelmed by them and am so thankful for their friendship. It's a pretty awesome thought knowing that not only have you made a friend for life, but your child will have two great friends to go through life with.